How to be myself

I have always known that somehow I transform into an entirely different person when I feel very strongly for someone (note that I am not using the four-letter word here on purpose). I become someone else, someone I don’t know and I don’t like too much, and for the longest time it has been near-impossible to control it. But I have decided that enough is enough. I want to take back my own sense of self, regardless, or perhaps most importantly when I have to deal with feelings for someone special. I want to be myself again, the best version of me.

How to be myself? Can I be the best person to answer that? My close friends could also very well help me with that. Some of them have seen me at my best and worst, and I value their thoughts very much. They have been treasures these past few days, regardless of time or distance. How can I survive without them?

I have to get my life back on track. My life has been interrupted for a while, so I need to get my focus back on the important things. I have to remind myself of the high-energy, free-spirited me. Strong and feisty. I have the ability to conquer worlds.

Day in and day out I need to actively remind myself of who I truly am. Because I know that at the end of the day, it is this self that will draw true love into my life.

Time to welcome back the real Abii.

Finding Abii – Half-a-year in Straya

Today marks the completion of the first six months of my new life here in Australia, and indeed it’s something worth celebrating.

Let me explain the title for this post. Finding Abii… perhaps it refers to both discovering and rediscovering myself here in my new world. A fresh new start have given me a great opportunity to rediscover things about myself, my love for music, dance, and the learning endeavours I’ve put on hold or semi-abandoned in the past. Finding the time and opportunity here, there is a chance to find more of myself again.

Music, Dance, and the Arts
On my first month, I bought new guitar and have been fiddling with it during free time. My my dad also brought over my violin when he came over in December. That’s one more thing that I want to spend more time on, practicing how to make beautiful music on stringed instruments. I’ll be going for dance classes soon too. People who know me most know how much I love dancing. I want to spend more time on it in the coming months.

The city also abounds with so many different opportunities to enjoy and appreciate different kinds of arts. I enjoyed watching the Symphony at the Domain a few weeks back, just having a picnic on the grass and watching an orchestra under the stars. I would’ve enjoyed watching the Opera at the Domain the week after, but I’m sure I’ll have other chances for that soon. I might find time to visit the art galleries in the city too.

Health and Wellness
I am also lucky to have also rediscovered a healthier me here in Sydney. I no longer need my asthma or allergy medicines to survive the world. Just a little bit, and I’ll be off all maintenance medicine soonest. I’m also starting to rediscover a more fit Abii. With a gym downstairs from our apartment, there is no reason not to go or not to make time to go. Eating relatively healthier has been helping too. I’m starting to find a skinnier version of myself which was kept somewhere deep inside. So far, I’m down almost six kilograms since I arrived. I know I still have a long way to go to get to my target, but it’s a good and promising start.

Work and Learning
I was lucky to have found contract work with the Federal Government of Australia on my first two months in Sydney, and even luckier to have received a 3-month extension on top of my original 4-month contract. I must be doing something right, they must be satisfied with how I work to consider me for such. I still continue to search for a permanent job though, but what I’ve had so far is a good start.

I’ve also started on some studying and learning towards something I should have done a long time ago. It’s mostly self-study for now, maybe take some formal classes in the near future, and eventually take a certification exam. It’s a personal commitment I have to make good on.

Finding the lost self
Unfortunately, not everything about this new life is about finding or rediscovering things. I’ve also lost a little part of me somehow when I moved, and it’s something intangible and difficult to explain or put into words. As such, I am truly in the process of “finding Abii”, looking for a part of my sense of self, confidence, and independence that gave me the power to overcome all kinds of adversity in the past. It took some time for me to realise what was lost or missing in my self, but as they say, knowing is already half the battle. Now I can actively remind myself of “myself”, I should be back to my old self shortly.

Back to (a different kind of) normal

My life is back to normal. At least, it’s an entirely different kind of normal from the normal I’ve been used to for the past few years.

I’ve somehow chosen a different kind of life to live now. I’ve given up the luxury of driving to and from work five days a week. Gone is the 1.5++ hour drive (one-way) to and from work, and the thousands of pesos spent monthly on gasoline charges and other car maintenance expenses. I am back on the daily commute. I’m back to working in my comfort zone, my timezone. It’s about two-thirds of the distance I used to travel every day. My new work is a short walk from the MRT station. I take the MRT everyday now, going to work in the morning and coming home in the evening. I then take a shuttle after MRT in the evening, and take a leisurely walk (under the stars) from the village gate on my way home.

I try to pack my lunch everyday too. I make myself a yummy sandwich, enough to fill me at lunch. When I don’t get to pack my lunch, I buy a sandwich at a nearby convenience store. It costs a lot less than what I used to eat for lunch, and has a lot less calories too.

Work is both something old and new. I’m starting to get into the groove again. The project I’m doing now is pretty interesting and challenging, enough to give me just the right push to give my best, as I always would like to do with whatever I do.

My personal life is also warming up too. No lovelife yet, though. I’m just loving the time I have on my hands to write blogs, do errands, read books, study/review on some topics and interests, pamper myself, relax and meditate, and opportunities to do many other things.

There’s just something that feels really nice about the new kind of normal. There are less expenses, less calories, more walks and physical activities, more time to just look around and observe the real world, and more time to be me again. I guess I really needed this change.

A better me everyday, that’s the goal. Sometimes it happens in small moments, in baby steps. Sometimes it happens with long strides, or with some jumps. This time, it was a leap for me again. I’ve landed, and am back on the ground, but this is an entirely different land already. Time to continue walking.