Break me (one last time)

I’m trying to finish quite an interesting personal task/goal. More than a year ago, I started writing in a beatiful notebook my “love history”. The task was to be able to write down all the stories, as I remember them, of the past loves, relationships, almost-relationships, and heartbreaks. The intention is to be able to rediscover my romantic history and uncover any repressed emotions, feelings of abandonment, rejection, and heartaches, with the hopes of finally being able to release them into the universe and be ready with restored faith in love.

I wrote the stories one by one, person by person, those who I have encountered and have changed my views about love and relationships… A lot of almosts, stories of my exes, my first love, etc., but I did exclude non-important ones. There were ten names in my list (mostly just “almosts”) I started off with the shortest stories, the ones I could cover with one to three pages. To be honest, I’ve finished writing the short stories more than a year ago. Somehow, I got stuck writing the last three stories, the more significant ones.

There is a “tiny” fear of what can be uncovered as I write the last three stories. I just finished one tonight, so there’s two more to go, and they’re the ones I dread the most. But I have to keep going and finish everything, face my fear and complete my “love history”. I want to get rid of the hidden/latent/unconscious baggage. I should let it break me just one last time and finally let it go (let it go…).

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Half-a-lifetime worth of conversation: Before Sunset [A movie throwback]

before sunsetSpent another Thursday evening watching an old movie, and I did choose the sequel to the last one I watched – Before Sunset. So this movie is set nine years after the last one, with the same characters and the same actors playing them. Amazing how they really did do the movie nine years in real life after. The characters did really age naturally. And after nine long years, it was finally revealed that they never got to see each other again six months after their beautiful first encounter.

The story set their second encounter. He has written an entire novel based on what transpired between them nine years ago. He tours Europe with his book, and does his last stop in Paris. She finds out about the book and realizes that it was written about their one night together, she shows up at his book signing event. They spend the entire afternoon together.

I would say that the entire movie is like an entire afternoon full of half-a-lifetime worth of conversation. Everything that was left unsaid for almost a decade finally poured out in every moment and minute of this new encounter. I love this movie much more than the first, because it captured one complete, continuous, flowing conversation of two people who have waited for so long to see each other. I do love the ending too, because it is left open ended again – you can never tell if they kept in touch after then. Perhaps I’ll find out what happens in the future when I get to the third installment of the series.

This movie stirred up different feeling in me this time. I miss having long, never-ending conversations like this. It’s a treasure to find people with whom you can spend long hours, even an entire day just speaking with, and not ever getting tired or bored, or running out of things to say. I miss being with those people who I can spend time with like this. Has it been so long that I can’t even recall right now the exact people I have spent time with like this?

A movie throwback: Before Sunrise

before sunrise“Before Sunrise” was a 1995 movie starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. It’s a movie I have not watched before, until tonight. I’m trying to catch up as much as I can on movies, trying to explore some recent, old, or ancient movies that I can get my hands on. I got a copy of this movie whilst searching for the “before” series, including “Before Sunset” (2004) and “Before Midnight” (2013). I would probably try to watch the two sequels in the next few days or weeks, but for now I only know of the first movie.

To be completely honest, I found the movie a little bit dragging somehow. Perhaps because of the constant tone and feeling to the movie throughout, from start to finish. It was not bland, though. There were no highs or lows during the entire movie, just a constant sense of romance, a simple story-telling of an exciting kind of “love story”. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful story and movie.

Quite interesting, too, to be familiar with that kind of story, that kind of romance. It did remind me of something, of someone. To be traveling in a strange place, to meet people, to fall in love with someone who you’ll never know if you’ll ever see again. That perfect situation actually rids you of the fear of falling in love – the fact that there are no rules or expectations, that you take everything in at that very moment, not thinking about the past or the future, not considering the “realities” of your life.

Let me not get into details. What I can only say is, I can relate.

The Hangover of KenXy’s Forever

ZeeJester

May hang-over pa ako!

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PHOTO BY: Marlon Advincula

Not the kind that Paul and Duna had… Pleas refer to Exhibit A and B below… Hahahaha!

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Yung hang-over na, paano nga ba i-explain? Yung gusto mo na ulit-ulitin? Or ayaw ,mo na matapos? Hahaha!

Pero ano nga bang meron?

The answer?

Love!

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PHOTO BY: Marlon Advincula

The kind of love that drove us, batch by batch, to head to Davao and celebrate with Ken and Xy..

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The kind of love that most if not all of us who came witnessed… Yung magka-Skype na si ken and xy tapos magkausap pa sa phone.. Yes I was there.. Hahaha!

I looked at their pre-nup pics: walang costume, walang venue na inayos, just them..

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PHOTOS BY: Marlon Advincula

What got me was this moment..

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PHOTO BY: Marlon Advincula

Hayop ka Kenneth! Hahaha! Naiyak kami dito ha!

I recalled something I wrote along time ago…

http://zeejester.wordpress.com/2011/05/07/to-someone-i-wish-i-could-meet/

Part of it…

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Friday Madness – The Jump

Each moment we take a risk, we jump into the abyss. It’s like bungy jumping everytime, especially with risks that deal with the heart. I think that’s what they call “falling in love”, the opening of one’s self to that possibility.

Actually, the bungy jump is so much safer. There is always the bungy cord to keep you from falling to your death, and the biggest risk is if it snaps. It’s scarier when you take a risk with love. There is a much bigger chance that something will fail, that it would extremely hurt, or much worse, that it will finally be the death of what’s remaining of your hopes and dreams. There are no bungy cords or safety nets. You jump just hoping that someone will catch you at the bottom. But oftentimes, no one will.

It’s not bitterness nor skepticism. It’s just a simple acknowledgment of a truth, and the truth is, we can never be sure. Love is always a gamble, and the stakes are much too high. You bet your heart and soul, and after that you will never ever be the same again. “Love may consign you to the highest of the heavens or the depths of of hell, but it will definitely take you somewhere…”

Why do we invest (emotionally)?

This is an exact repost from an old blog, originally posted in May 10, 2008. Today’s #ThrowbackThursday . Enjoy reading.


Invest (v)
– To spend or devote for future advantage or benefit
– To devote morally or psychologically, as to a purpose; commit
– To endow with authority or power.
– To endow with an enveloping or pervasive quality


As with financial investments, there is always a risk to spending or putting something of value into anything. We typically invest in something, decide to devote time and energy on something hoping that it would turn out good and productive in the end.

Why then do we choose to invest emotionally? Perhaps it’s like other types of investments. When we see the possibility of something good coming out of something, we choose to take the gamble and put a little of our self into it. We put a stake on something when we start to build an affinity to it.

Why do we invest in romantic relationships? We enter romantic relationships to find out the possibility of being together until the far future. You don’t go into it expecting it to fail or end, although we should admit that it is still always a possibility.

So, the investment is a little of ourselves, our emotions, and our commitment. The payback we are wishing for is a wonderful future. But let’s admit it, we don’t always get what we are wishing for. More than anything else, emotional investments are most uncertain.

The real question is, why do we even attempt to invest emotionally, even on things that has relatively no future? Why do we keep on loving people and hoping that these people who would perhaps not disappoint? Why do we give someone else that power over our happiness?

In the end, life turns out to be one big gamble, especially on the matter of love and romantic relationships. You will never have the chance to win unless you bet on something. Oftentimes you don’t win, cause it’s a million-to-one chance. But if you do win, it would really change your life. It’s just up to you, are you brave enough to bet with your heart?

Friday Madness – A letter to my future husband part-2

Perhaps it’s a good time to post part-2 of my “letter to my future husband” series. This was written way back in December 3, 2011, almost 2 years ago. And Christmas will be coming soon too. Still, I don’t know where he is yet, or where to find him. And yet, I just stay steadfast in hoping that he’s just out there somewhere. I’ll meet him someday soon.


To my future husband,

I’m taking a bus ride home. Yes, I’ve been riding the public transport lately because my car have yet to be fixed, but don’t worry about me, I’m ok taking the bus alone, as long as I take it at a good time.

December has just started. Each day brings us nearer that longed-after day of the year. And yes, save for one Christmas four years ago, all Christmases in my history were happy days. And I can’t help imagine how wonderful to get to that Christmas that will finally bring you to me.

It would be such a wonderful day, that first Christmas that I would be spending with you. I replay it again and again in my head, that Christmas waltz being sung by She and Him. I dance across that small living room with you, my love. Just dancing cheek to cheek with you, my right hand in your warm left hand, and your right hand firm at the base of my spine. You ask me to forgive you for not being a great dancer, and I answer that you’re doing just fine. A smile. A mild laugh. A giggle. I love simple moments like these.

But you won’t be around this Christmas. I do not know who you are yet. You haven’t found me yet. Or have you found me already but not realize it? I would never know. But don’t worry about me, it will still be a happy, merry Christmas. The entire family will be here, and good friends are near. I’ll be able to prepare my favorite Christmas goodies, decorate the house, and wrap the Christmas presents. We’re finishing our museum this December too. So many blessings.

Each Christmas brings both joy and longing as I wait for that someday I’ll be spending Christmas with you. God’s gift, I hope to see you soonest, ok?