I have to be honest, Adele’s new song and music video “Hello” never really got me until lately. For the past few weeks since it was released, I’ve been wondering why so many people are feeling so much about that song. And for someone who’s heart and mind is so often affected by music and lyrics, her song somehow evaded me, until now.
I see, hear, and feel it now. The sorrow, regret, and longing of that song. Perhaps sometimes we deliberately shut off parts of our system to shield ourselves from pain, even if that pain is from so long ago. Maybe the song was blocked from my system somehow, and it took some time to finally make sense.
Hello, it’s me, I was wondering
If after all these years you’d like to meet to go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal, yeah
But I ain’t done much healing
Heck, it’s a line that isn’t so strange to me. But then again, perhaps that’s the only part of the song that makes sense to me. I cannot connect to the rest of the song anymore, because it’s a song of someone who regrets letting go of someone they loved. And if anything, maybe someone else should be singing that song…
Regret is one thing I hate. That’s why I live my life such a way that I will never look back and regret doing or not doing something. So far, I only have one regret in my life that I wish I could undo.
In the advent of the upcoming How I Met Your Mother finale , I actually attempted to binge-watch everything from the first season. I started it around mid-February, and was watching a few episodes each night, but somehow stopped close to the end of the 2nd season. I did not stop because I didn’t like it or out of boredom. I stopped because I liked it so much but it was starting to eat me up emotionally.
I therefore conclude that it’s not healthy for a chronically single, hopeless romantic like me to be binge watching HIMYM. My dreams of going through the entire series before the finale has gone up in smoke. But if I did continue watching it, it would be emotional suicide. I might combust with so much longing for my own Ted.
But where is my Ted? Where is my Tom? Where is my Jonathan? Where is my Matthew? Where is my Alex? When will I ever come face to face with Griffin?
Add to this my random urge to re-read the entire bi-trilogy (yes, two sets of trilogies) of Griffin and Sabine. I am close to the edge of embodying “hopeless” in the term “hopeless romantic”.
The HIMYM ending is coming, whether I like it or not. I’d still love to watch the ending, even if it “breaks my heart”. I may still have a long way to go in my search for the love of my life, perhaps as crazy and complicated as Ted’s search, but I do have to carry on.
One more dilemma is whether i should subject myself to watch “Starting Over Again” in the cinemas. It might be another self-torture decision, but I might consider… but that shall be a separate story on a different occasion.
This is the poem that is closest to my heart. I wrote this way back in high school. I entered it in a love poetry contest for a teen magazine then, and it actually won and got me a big bottle of signature perfume because of that. But beyond that, I really just love this poem. Perhaps the best I’ve ever written of all.
I wish that I could see your face
Could see your face before dusk falls
Before dusk falls, and all is black
When all is black, you light me up
You light me up in all your ways
In all your ways you help me see
You help me see what’s good and true
What’s good and true you give to me
You give to me all that is yours
All that is yours you share with me
You share with me all that I wish
All that I wish is see your face…
Lately I have been rediscovering the inner poet that is in me. Was able to “naturally” write four decent (or perhaps good or great?) poems in the past few months, the first of which was written back in May while I was aboard a plane. It has been slowly coming back, maybe?
Then, there are the poems I wrote from long ago. I had setup a blog with some of my poetry so many years back, and I almost already forgot about it. I rediscovered it too, read through it, copied and archived everything. I deleted the blog from the virtual world in the meantime, while I’m trying to figure out what to do with those poems. They mostly dated from late 2005 to 2007, with two more posted in 2009 and 2010. Even before 2005, I remember having a lot of poems written in scratch papers and spring notebooks from way back in high school. Those are probably still hidden in my chest, just lying around somewhere there, gathering dust, being almost forgotten. I might post a few of the old poems when I feel like it, in the next few months.
I’ve noticed that my poems across time revolve around very similar topics – love, longing, or grief. Perhaps those are the most powerful emotions that I encounter that really squeeze the poetry out of me.
I wonder what good these poems will be, beyond their lonely existence on paper, in my files, or online. I wonder if anyone really appreciates them, or will ever remember them. I highly doubt that I will be remembered or recognized because of my poetry. I am also playing with the idea of finding a way to publish them, but I wonder who still buys poetry books aside from myself (and yes, I have a few books of poetry by some writers and some collections).
Nonetheless, I shall continue writing those rhymes and non-rhymes as long as the pen calls and the heart desires.