Sometimes I wonder what might have been if we ended up together. What if despite the distance, we found a way to see each other, and eventually fell in love and decided to be together?
Sometimes I find peace in imagining you sleeping peacefully beside me. You are my unicorn, and it was sheer fairytale when we met, when I got to spend that one beautiful evening with you.
I imagine our intellectual discussions over dinner. I admire you and what you do. You inspire me to be a better me, to strive for the best that I could ever be. I could almost hear you saying how proud you are of me, how excited you are about my plans for the future.
I continue to find joy in my memory of you. You are that little treasure that can never be taken away from my heart. Despite the struggles I face in my continued quest to find my true love, thoughts of you continue to reassure me that there are still beautiful things and people in this world that I have yet to discover.
Its as if you’ve loved me all this time without even needing to love me.
It sometimes surprises me when I look back at the poetry I’ve written many years ago, and even those I just wrote a few months ago. I have this tendency to write poetry well when I am overcome with emotions, usually of the romantic kind, and most often due to unquenched longing, heartache, and rejection. Break my heart and I will find fuel to string words into poetry.
What surprises me the most is that many years after, the poetry still sound beautiful to me but the emotions that drove me to write them have disappeared completely. Sometimes the titles or the way they were written still remind me of who they are written for and why, but I have completely forgotten the feelings. At times I even completely forget who they were for. The bliss of the forgetful.
I am very optimistic that somehow I will soon forget about him. It has happened before, and I am capable of it I’m sure. He’s not even really worth the time and attention. And truly, he wasn’t worth the poetry.
P.S. The poem in the last post was because of him (whoever he is)
I have always known that somehow I transform into an entirely different person when I feel very strongly for someone (note that I am not using the four-letter word here on purpose). I become someone else, someone I don’t know and I don’t like too much, and for the longest time it has been near-impossible to control it. But I have decided that enough is enough. I want to take back my own sense of self, regardless, or perhaps most importantly when I have to deal with feelings for someone special. I want to be myself again, the best version of me.
How to be myself? Can I be the best person to answer that? My close friends could also very well help me with that. Some of them have seen me at my best and worst, and I value their thoughts very much. They have been treasures these past few days, regardless of time or distance. How can I survive without them?
I have to get my life back on track. My life has been interrupted for a while, so I need to get my focus back on the important things. I have to remind myself of the high-energy, free-spirited me. Strong and feisty. I have the ability to conquer worlds.
Day in and day out I need to actively remind myself of who I truly am. Because I know that at the end of the day, it is this self that will draw true love into my life.
Time to welcome back the real Abii.
Imagine that. If I did not check myself, I would’ve sobbed as I made my way out of my brother’s Sydney apartment for the last time. We were already flying out of Sydney to Melbourne for the weekend, then back to the Philippines after. I was struck again by my “sentimentality”. I will probably never see that place again, even if I come back to Sydney next time. I almost had a minor anxiety attack just because of that, and I can’t particularly explain why.
Everyday is a different story. There will be days that I will be very happy and/or inspired with all the things around me. On the other hand, there will also be days when I’ll feel very anxious, uneasy, and uncertain. It’s always a challenge to be ok, to be in the moment, but at the same time be able to check one’s self and maintain a certain level of serenity.
It may be the hormones acting. Or maybe it’s just me and the (un)usual yin and yang of my moods. Perhaps awareness is really the key. When you are able to identify when you start shifting to extreme emotions, you are able to find means to temper yourself.