Again

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was right before the very first date ever in my life. Valentines dance in high school and I was only 13 (if I remember correctly). I was with my bestfriend (who went to a different school but I invited over) and we were just enjoying the day of the school fair. But as the evening approached and the inevitability of my date dawned, my insides just went topsy-turvy.

I remember it distinctly. That giddy feeling bordering on nauseous. I tried to eat a slice of pizza and finish a bottle of orange soda (Royal Tru Orange!). For some reason, I couldn’t hold it down and had to throw up everything. Everything. I blamed it on the orange soda and sort of stopped drinking that from then on.

It may have been the first time I ever fell in love. In retrospect, there’s strong supporting evidence to back that up.

Many years after, he could still remember what I wore that day. Many years after, I remember that single pink rose he gave me, the one that I took home and stuck on the ground and lived for a few years more. I still remember the songs that we slow danced to, and how much taller he was that made it a challenge to put my hands on his shoulders and around his neck.

Unfortunately, my first love never really became “us”, although the ghost of our feelings for each other haunted us beyond a decade. I guess it just wasn’t really meant to be.

I just remembered this from long ago, because I was reminded of that giddy, nauseous feeling. Here it comes again.

Friday Madness – The Jump

Each moment we take a risk, we jump into the abyss. It’s like bungy jumping everytime, especially with risks that deal with the heart. I think that’s what they call “falling in love”, the opening of one’s self to that possibility.

Actually, the bungy jump is so much safer. There is always the bungy cord to keep you from falling to your death, and the biggest risk is if it snaps. It’s scarier when you take a risk with love. There is a much bigger chance that something will fail, that it would extremely hurt, or much worse, that it will finally be the death of what’s remaining of your hopes and dreams. There are no bungy cords or safety nets. You jump just hoping that someone will catch you at the bottom. But oftentimes, no one will.

It’s not bitterness nor skepticism. It’s just a simple acknowledgment of a truth, and the truth is, we can never be sure. Love is always a gamble, and the stakes are much too high. You bet your heart and soul, and after that you will never ever be the same again. “Love may consign you to the highest of the heavens or the depths of of hell, but it will definitely take you somewhere…”