How to be myself

I have always known that somehow I transform into an entirely different person when I feel very strongly for someone (note that I am not using the four-letter word here on purpose). I become someone else, someone I don’t know and I don’t like too much, and for the longest time it has been near-impossible to control it. But I have decided that enough is enough. I want to take back my own sense of self, regardless, or perhaps most importantly when I have to deal with feelings for someone special. I want to be myself again, the best version of me.

How to be myself? Can I be the best person to answer that? My close friends could also very well help me with that. Some of them have seen me at my best and worst, and I value their thoughts very much. They have been treasures these past few days, regardless of time or distance. How can I survive without them?

I have to get my life back on track. My life has been interrupted for a while, so I need to get my focus back on the important things. I have to remind myself of the high-energy, free-spirited me. Strong and feisty. I have the ability to conquer worlds.

Day in and day out I need to actively remind myself of who I truly am. Because I know that at the end of the day, it is this self that will draw true love into my life.

Time to welcome back the real Abii.

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Tsubibo

Ocean_City_Ferris_WheelIsang simpleng teleserye na araw-araw kong pinapanuod ang biglang humatak sakin pababa sa isang kumunoy ng ala-ala. Bakit kailangan siyang dalhin sa perya, isakay sa isang tsubibo, hangad lamang ang kaligayahan, ang pag-ibig nito? Hindi ba ganoon din ang ginawa niya dati? Pinaibig ka, dinala sa isang malayong lugar na masaya, isinakay sa isang malaking tsubibo at hinawakan ang iyong kamay? At kung tama ang aking pagka-alala, takot siya sa matataas na lugar, o sinabi lang ba niya ito para makahawak ng mas mahigpit sa iyong mga kamay?

Pagbaba ninyo nang gabi rin iyon, napuno ang kalangintan ng makukulay at maliwanag na paputok. Isa iyon sa pinaka-maligayang sandali ng buhay mo noon. Pakiramdam mo ikaw ay prinsesa, ngunit hindi, sabi niya, ikaw ang reyna at siya ang hari ng buhay mo. Hanggang pauwi ay halos hindi niya bitawan ang iyong kamay. Pinagmamasdan ka kahit dapat nasa daanan ang kaniyang mga mata habang nagmamaneho. Sa inyo lang umikot ang mundo noon. Wala nang iba. Halos maniwala ka na sa walang hanggan noon. Sino ba naman hindi maniniwala habang ikaw ay nasa mala-panaginip na mundo?

Pero sabi nga nila, walang forever. Pero nakakagulat din ang bilis ng mga pangyayari, gaano kabilis ang paglaho at pag-gunaw ng kung ano man ang namagitan sa inyo noon. Hindi mo na ninais na balikan pa ang sakit at kabiguan, tuluyan mo nang sinubukang kalimutan. Madaming taon na ang nakalipas. Halos hindi mo na nga maalala, maliban sa mga paminsan-minsang mga panahon tulad nito.

Napapaisip ka nga kung kilala ka ba ng nagsulat ng teleseryeng iyon. Sinasadiya ba ng mundo na ipa-alala sayo? O baka naman, masyado ka lang affected.

Why do we invest (emotionally)?

This is an exact repost from an old blog, originally posted in May 10, 2008. Today’s #ThrowbackThursday . Enjoy reading.


Invest (v)
– To spend or devote for future advantage or benefit
– To devote morally or psychologically, as to a purpose; commit
– To endow with authority or power.
– To endow with an enveloping or pervasive quality


As with financial investments, there is always a risk to spending or putting something of value into anything. We typically invest in something, decide to devote time and energy on something hoping that it would turn out good and productive in the end.

Why then do we choose to invest emotionally? Perhaps it’s like other types of investments. When we see the possibility of something good coming out of something, we choose to take the gamble and put a little of our self into it. We put a stake on something when we start to build an affinity to it.

Why do we invest in romantic relationships? We enter romantic relationships to find out the possibility of being together until the far future. You don’t go into it expecting it to fail or end, although we should admit that it is still always a possibility.

So, the investment is a little of ourselves, our emotions, and our commitment. The payback we are wishing for is a wonderful future. But let’s admit it, we don’t always get what we are wishing for. More than anything else, emotional investments are most uncertain.

The real question is, why do we even attempt to invest emotionally, even on things that has relatively no future? Why do we keep on loving people and hoping that these people who would perhaps not disappoint? Why do we give someone else that power over our happiness?

In the end, life turns out to be one big gamble, especially on the matter of love and romantic relationships. You will never have the chance to win unless you bet on something. Oftentimes you don’t win, cause it’s a million-to-one chance. But if you do win, it would really change your life. It’s just up to you, are you brave enough to bet with your heart?

A Waterfall of Emotions

It’s been more than 48 hours since I have finished watching it, and yet I’m still so stuck on that un-describable emotion that was the heart of that movie.

The title is “Sana Dati”, one of the many new-generation Filipino films that are bringing back life to the local cinema scene. It’s good to have these movies depart from the traditional commercial forms of movies. It’s great to have found time to watch a movie, and such serendipitous fate to have watched when this particular movie was available.

Sana Dati

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the lead actors/actress in the movie prior to watching it. Nonetheless, they were well chosen and they did wonderfully, possibly because of the opportunity presented by the movie to them, the chance to act with the deepest emotions, rid of the need to over-act. I was only able to appreciate them fully (Lovi Poe and Paulo Avelino) in this film, and was introduced to the charming Benjamin Alves.

A waterfall of emotions it was, especially for me. I do not intend to do a movie review, but rather expound on the emotions that it has left me with. (Spoiler alert. Proceed with caution.)

The movie is about passionate love and non-love, a wedding, so much memories of the past, and very real life decisions. There is a strange but slightly predictable twist to it, and there is a slow unfolding of the past and all the issues surrounding the main characters. The story revolved mostly around one character, Andrea, who was already preparing on the day of her wedding. The secret “focus” of the movie was actually around a pair of blue flats (but the reason I shall not disclose here; you would have to watch the movie to fully appreciate the placement of that element).

Although I am not in agreement with Andrea’s decisions, I completely feel her and understand her. Maybe some people will not understand how one can fall in love so hard and so quickly, and get extremely heartbroken when that ends. Perhaps some people would not comprehend how one can settle to be with someone they’re not completely in love with, but who loves them enough nonetheless. These elements in the movie happen in real life too, in different forms and situations. And to have an ending with a “conclusion” and yet with so much unpredictability makes it even more real, far from the traditional commercial romantic flicks that always drop a happy ending in.

The movie made me cry. It stirred up emotions that have been dormant for some time, and I’m still reeling in it.

Bubble

Create a membrane around you. Deliberately decide on what you will let in that membrane, and what you will leave outside to observe remotely from the inside. Be conscious and aware on the specific moments that you will need to open this membrane, and beyond this moments, stay within the safety of that membrane.

It’s not about isolation. The message is to be conscious of what really matters, and what are simply extraneous. There are things in this world that we should just learn to accept, and yet with the acceptance, we should not force ourselves to believe it or to settle with it. There is an emotional management needed here. It’s simply not managable to remain frustrated and hate the world just because so many things around are personally unsettling. That’s simply self-torture. I realise that now.

Imagine a scene in the MRT. If one does not consciously create and stay in one’s membrane, all the frustrating Joes and Janes on the train or at the platform will just piss you off. There’s the person who does not want to spare some space, another who skips the queue, and yet another who stinks like hell. If you let yourself be affected by all these, it will drain all the physical and emotional energy from you. Stay in your bubble and just laugh everything off. They’re not supposed to be your problem.

Sometimes this also applies to more “personal” situations other than in public places. This can apply at work, in organisations, in social circles, or maybe even online and in social media. That’s what the “unfollow” and “hide” buttons are for, or the “unfriend” and “block” button for more extreme cases. We don’t have to react, comment, or be affected by all and anything that other people are saying or doing, even if it’s about you or about things related to you. Most importantly, if it’s something that you can’t change or if it’s realistically beyond your power or influence, better to just leave it alone or accept it as is, and just work around it.

Shifts

Imagine that. If I did not check myself, I would’ve sobbed as I made my way out of my brother’s Sydney apartment for the last time. We were already flying out of Sydney to Melbourne for the weekend, then back to the Philippines after. I was struck again by my “sentimentality”. I will probably never see that place again, even if I come back to Sydney next time. I almost had a minor anxiety attack just because of that, and I can’t particularly explain why.

Everyday is a different story. There will be days that I will be very happy and/or inspired with all the things around me. On the other hand, there will also be days when I’ll feel very anxious, uneasy, and uncertain. It’s always a challenge to be ok, to be in the moment, but at the same time be able to check one’s self and maintain a certain level of serenity.

It may be the hormones acting. Or maybe it’s just me and the (un)usual yin and yang of my moods. Perhaps awareness is really the key. When you are able to identify when you start shifting to extreme emotions, you are able to find means to temper yourself.