Tonight I can write the saddest lines – Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

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Half a year

It’s over. My most recent relationship has ended. I have parted ways from the guy who I’ve shared my life with for more than half of this year.

Perhaps it was bound to happen. I did try my best, but it wasn’t meant to last. I could only do so much. I could only give so much of myself. It started spiralling out of control in the last two months, and somehow there is a sense of relief to be out of it now.

There are so many ways to look at it, and indeed I view it so many different ways. The logical and practical part of me welcomes the change. Somehow I’ve found freedom again. Freedom to enjoy a simple uncomplicated life. Freedom to continue to try to find the true love of my life.

But there is still part of me that is wondering what really went wrong. Part of me is wondering how much of those eight months is real. Part of me wants to hold on to the thought that it was real.

I also wonder if I just wasted eight months of my life. Eight months is not that long, but it’s not short either. Years from now, will I remember this year for that one great mistake?

But then again, it’s only been a bit over half the year over. I still have another half to make this year beautiful. Anything can happen in the next five months. Perhaps the best day of the year (or the best day of my life) is yet to come.

I will survive this, of that I’m sure. I’ve been through worse before. I’m so much tougher now. And I have amazing support from family and friends.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it. what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

In love with two

(Written 16 Septmeber 2017)

I have learned to always be in love with two at any given time. I fall in love with the one right in front of me, and at the same time keep loving the one who has yet to come, my future husband. Always in love with two.

I should always allow myself to love completely the one who is in my present, with a love that is unconditional and without regard for what the future may bring. I’m learning to take this love one day at a time, and acknowledge that there will always be a possibility that it may be taken away at any time. But its time-limited nature should not hinder me from loving completely. It is the joy of the mystery of love.

I must also admit that I absolutely love my future husband, the one that is yet to come, even though I don’t know him yet and have not found him yet. I will always love him, even before I find him, and so much more when I finally do. This is the love that keeps me going despite all the heartaches and hearbreaks that I may encounter in this life. This love assures me that everything will be all worth it in the end.

The best part of loving two is when it finally comes together, when I finally discover that the one I love right in front of me is the future husband that I’ve always loved. Then and only then will I love only one.

One day

Its lovely to hear everyone wishing that I had a happy birthday. I wish the same too. And most things did go well for me. But my heart is broken too.

What perfect timing when someone you love and trust just doesn’t realise how bad he’s crushing your heart exactly around your birthday. How ironic can it be? The one who have always told you he only wish you to be happy. He doesn’t even realise what’s wrong. He does not recognise how bad it is. And he continues to do it and blames you for feeling bad about it.

I know I’ll recover. There will be better days. There will be better birthdays in the future.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty. It is one thing that you have always been afraid of. You’ve always wanted things in your life planned and under control, but you have to realise and understand that everything in life is uncertain.

Falling in love is one of the scariest things for you. When you fall in love, you open up to another human being, and this other individual is completely and utterly beyond your control. That uncertainty paralyses you. You have no idea how he really feels about you, how he will react to who you are, and if he will ever decide to stay.

At the end of the day, that’s the only thing you want to find in this world. Someone who loves you enough, who truly wants to be with you and decides to stay.

(Written 15/10/2017)

A year of (emotional) empowerment

A year of empowerment. It took a while to realise that. I’ve always thought that the entire year was simply a year of heartaches and suffering because of all the things I had to go through as I tried to navigate the dating life in Sydney. I’m trying hard to find the love of my life. It’s been difficult and tiring navigating the battleground that is my heart while looking out to the world for possibilities. I’ve almost given up many times, but the universe just keeps me moving. And moving forward is what I kept on doing.

I guess I’m starting to realise that all the challenges I’ve faced this year was a way for me to rediscover and empower my self. I feel much better now. I guess I can do much better now. I can keep on moving and meeting new people, falling in and out of love, rejecting and being rejected, enjoying the sweet moments and forgetting the bad.

I can do all these. For the sake of finally finding that true love.

Old Shorts

I was trying to reorganise the document folders on my computer when I came upon one folder that contained most of the short stories that I wrote a long time ago. I used to write a lot of short stories and poetry way back in high school and university, but not so much lately. Since most of them were written in my teenage years, a lot were about love or heartaches, and usually so much drama. Unfortunately all the files of my short stories are password protected, and I no longer remember the password I used so long ago.

I tried recovering the contents some way, and was able to find a way to access a few, but not most. I’m still contemplating if I should post one or two of those stories on here.