Its lovely to hear everyone wishing that I had a happy birthday. I wish the same too. And most things did go well for me. But my heart is broken too.
What perfect timing when someone you love and trust just doesn’t realise how bad he’s crushing your heart exactly around your birthday. How ironic can it be? The one who have always told you he only wish you to be happy. He doesn’t even realise what’s wrong. He does not recognise how bad it is. And he continues to do it and blames you for feeling bad about it.
I know I’ll recover. There will be better days. There will be better birthdays in the future.
Uncertainty. It is one thing that you have always been afraid of. You’ve always wanted things in your life planned and under control, but you have to realise and understand that everything in life is uncertain.
Falling in love is one of the scariest things for you. When you fall in love, you open up to another human being, and this other individual is completely and utterly beyond your control. That uncertainty paralyses you. You have no idea how he really feels about you, how he will react to who you are, and if he will ever decide to stay.
At the end of the day, that’s the only thing you want to find in this world. Someone who loves you enough, who truly wants to be with you and decides to stay.
A year of empowerment. It took a while to realise that. I’ve always thought that the entire year was simply a year of heartaches and suffering because of all the things I had to go through as I tried to navigate the dating life in Sydney. I’m trying hard to find the love of my life. It’s been difficult and tiring navigating the battleground that is my heart while looking out to the world for possibilities. I’ve almost given up many times, but the universe just keeps me moving. And moving forward is what I kept on doing.
I guess I’m starting to realise that all the challenges I’ve faced this year was a way for me to rediscover and empower my self. I feel much better now. I guess I can do much better now. I can keep on moving and meeting new people, falling in and out of love, rejecting and being rejected, enjoying the sweet moments and forgetting the bad.
I can do all these. For the sake of finally finding that true love.
I was trying to reorganise the document folders on my computer when I came upon one folder that contained most of the short stories that I wrote a long time ago. I used to write a lot of short stories and poetry way back in high school and university, but not so much lately. Since most of them were written in my teenage years, a lot were about love or heartaches, and usually so much drama. Unfortunately all the files of my short stories are password protected, and I no longer remember the password I used so long ago.
I tried recovering the contents some way, and was able to find a way to access a few, but not most. I’m still contemplating if I should post one or two of those stories on here.
What do you do if you already know who you’ll end up with, but it’s not yet meant to happen at present time? It’s something that causes much unease, but there’s nothing much you can do. You can’t influence things to happen before they’re meant to, and at the same time you’ve got no power to prevent it from happening.
How do you keep quiet and relax? How can you pretend you know nothing? How can you possibly live the rest of your life without telling anyone else what you know and feel deep inside, about the biggest puzzle piece in your life that’s not meant to fall in to place yet?
It’s a most wonderful feeling, at the same time a horrible torture to be face-to-face with the one who is meant to be the love of your life but he doesn’t know it yet. And you can’t do anything about it.
If you have a choice, don’t find out. Don’t go in front of that mirror with a single candle light this May day eve. Don’t ask for a sign, for an assurance. It’s far better not knowing.
(If you’re curious, here’s a link to May Day Eve – short story by Nick Joaquin. This writeup is not exactly about that story, but has a strong reference to it.)
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,700 times in 2015. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
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