A letter to my future husband (I haven’t found you yet…)

Dear future husband,

Maybe you’re wondering where in the world I am right now. Cos I am also thinking, where are you? I still don’t know where I will find you, or who you are from the billions of people in this world.

I’m in Sydney now, been here two years. And I’m still looking for you, hoping that maybe you are somewhere near or around. Maybe I’ve already passed you on the street or have been on the same train. Have I met you yet? Or will I be meeting you soon? I have no idea.

This year has been a challenging year so far, searching for you. I have mistakenly thought that the first guy I met this year was you. I was ready to give it my all, but alas it still was not you. I was sad and disappointed, and even a bit depressed when it did not work out. But I still kept on searching and kept on looking. I am still searching and looking. Rejection after rejection I soldier on. It’s absolutely tiring and somewhat heart-wrenching, cos I do give a little bit of myself everytime I try. I am almost ready to give up, but then I remember you. Against all odds, I have to find you.

Know that every time I meet someone new, every time I get to know someone, I can only hope that inch by inch it would bring me closer to you.

Looking forward to a beautiful life with you in the future.

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List 33

I just had to do one for my annual birthday post, albeit belated.

33 things that have happened to me in the last 12 months (in no particular order)…

  1. Toured my grandmother around Sydney.
  2. Got an Apple Watch.
  3. Went back to visit the Philippines 3 times.
  4. Attended two weddings in two countries in the same weekend. In the same dress, shoes, and makeup.
  5. Had half of my thyroid removed.
  6. Discovered Tokyo.
  7. Watched Adele in concert.
  8. Watched Coldplay in concert.
  9. Watched Lea Salonga live at the Sydney Opera House.
  10. Started an online business.
  11. Traveled to a far-away place in Australia (Mount Gambier).
  12. Drove around Sydney (up to the western suburbs and hunter valley).
  13. Explored new places around NSW.
  14. Developed great friendships and found my social circle in Sydney.
  15. Realised that my good friends in other parts of the world are there for me anytime I need them.
  16. Met up with old friends visiting Sydney.
  17. Met up with friends and former colleagues while on vacation in the Philippines.
  18. Wine tasting, wine tasting, and more wine tasting…
  19. Learned the basics of contouring.
  20. Made pizza from scratch.
  21. Discovered new restaurants, cafes, and bars in Sydney.
  22. Went to dance classes.
  23. Gained weight.
  24. Lost weight.
  25. Bought a telescope.
  26. Donated blood.
  27. Got my work contract extended N-times.
  28. Dated more than ten guys (separately, of course).
  29. Dated guys of different nationalities (separately too).
  30. Dated someone for more than a month.
  31. Fell in love.
  32. Had my heart broken.
  33. Moved on.

Moving On

Nag move-on na ko. Seryoso. Approximately 5.33 km. In my two-inch heeled boots. In one hour and fifteen minutes. Di ko man napansin na tumakbo ang oras.

Seryoso, nilakad ko. Mahigit limang kilometro, mula opisina hanggang bahay. Bakit nga ba? Di ko rin talaga maipaliwanag. May tren naman, wala pang labin-limang minuto kung sasakay ako. Pero gusto kong maglakad. Ng malayo. Ng mag-isa.

Hindi naman masyadong malayo. Di naman ako napagod. Di rin ako pinawisan. Para lang naman mahigit dalawang ikot sa Acad Oval ng UP Diliman. Pero ansarap ng pakiramdam, yung alam mo na malaya kang gumalaw mag-isa, pumunta kung saan mo gustong pumunta.

Nung nagsimula akong maglakad, siya pa ang iniisip ko. Alam kong malapit sa kanila yung dadaanan ko. Alam ko din naman na hindi ko siya makikita. Ayoko siyang makita. Ayoko na siyang makita kahit kailan.

May iba din akong gustong daanan. Isang lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin ng masaya at simpleng buhay noong nasa kolehiyo pa. Tinawag ko na ngang “mini sunken garden”. Sarap sana tumigil at tumambay dito, kaso gusto ko na rin makauwi.

Habang naglalakad ako, may iba pa akong nakita. Basura lang sa sahig, pero parang may importanteng gustong sabihin sa akin…

Pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras na paglalakad, nagutom na rin ako. Naisip ko rin kung anong gusto kong kainin kaya bumili ako bago umabot sa bahay.

Nag move-on na ko. Hindi man kapani-paniwala, pakiramdam ko malayo din ang na move-on ng puso ko pagkatapos kong maglakad ng mahigit limang kilometro. Pagdating ko sa bahay, may iba na akong iniisip. 🙂

 


Nakikinig nga pala ako sa Spotify habang naglalakad. Ansaya pakinggan ng playlist na ito, lalo na kung gusto mo lang mag-emote. :p

The art of poetry and forgotten feelings

It sometimes surprises me when I look back at the poetry I’ve written many years ago, and even those I just wrote a few months ago. I have this tendency to write poetry well when I am overcome with emotions, usually of the romantic kind, and most often due to unquenched longing, heartache, and rejection. Break my heart and I will find fuel to string words into poetry.

What surprises me the most is that many years after, the poetry still sound beautiful to me but the emotions that drove me to write them have disappeared completely. Sometimes the titles or the way they were written still remind me of who they are written for and why, but I have completely forgotten the feelings. At times I even completely forget who they were for. The bliss of the forgetful.

I am very optimistic that somehow I will soon forget about him. It has happened before, and I am capable of it I’m sure. He’s not even really worth the time and attention. And truly, he wasn’t worth the poetry.

P.S. The poem in the last post was because of him (whoever he is)

How to be myself

I have always known that somehow I transform into an entirely different person when I feel very strongly for someone (note that I am not using the four-letter word here on purpose). I become someone else, someone I don’t know and I don’t like too much, and for the longest time it has been near-impossible to control it. But I have decided that enough is enough. I want to take back my own sense of self, regardless, or perhaps most importantly when I have to deal with feelings for someone special. I want to be myself again, the best version of me.

How to be myself? Can I be the best person to answer that? My close friends could also very well help me with that. Some of them have seen me at my best and worst, and I value their thoughts very much. They have been treasures these past few days, regardless of time or distance. How can I survive without them?

I have to get my life back on track. My life has been interrupted for a while, so I need to get my focus back on the important things. I have to remind myself of the high-energy, free-spirited me. Strong and feisty. I have the ability to conquer worlds.

Day in and day out I need to actively remind myself of who I truly am. Because I know that at the end of the day, it is this self that will draw true love into my life.

Time to welcome back the real Abii.

Again

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was right before the very first date ever in my life. Valentines dance in high school and I was only 13 (if I remember correctly). I was with my bestfriend (who went to a different school but I invited over) and we were just enjoying the day of the school fair. But as the evening approached and the inevitability of my date dawned, my insides just went topsy-turvy.

I remember it distinctly. That giddy feeling bordering on nauseous. I tried to eat a slice of pizza and finish a bottle of orange soda (Royal Tru Orange!). For some reason, I couldn’t hold it down and had to throw up everything. Everything. I blamed it on the orange soda and sort of stopped drinking that from then on.

It may have been the first time I ever fell in love. In retrospect, there’s strong supporting evidence to back that up.

Many years after, he could still remember what I wore that day. Many years after, I remember that single pink rose he gave me, the one that I took home and stuck on the ground and lived for a few years more. I still remember the songs that we slow danced to, and how much taller he was that made it a challenge to put my hands on his shoulders and around his neck.

Unfortunately, my first love never really became “us”, although the ghost of our feelings for each other haunted us beyond a decade. I guess it just wasn’t really meant to be.

I just remembered this from long ago, because I was reminded of that giddy, nauseous feeling. Here it comes again.

Between home and home

A very strange feeling this is. I’ve been away from home for more than three weeks, and I mean from my current residence in Sydney. I’m coming home soon, but I’m also leaving home in the process, and I mean our family home in Manila where I grew up in and lived until less than two years ago. I am excited to get back to my place and start the rest of the year, but at the same time feel that little bit of sadness as I again leave my original home and not know when I’m coming back next.

This trip has been a great opportunity to reconnect with people who have played significant roles in my life, both in the past and at present. I also rekindled my entrepreneurial passion and will be revealing my new business venture soon. I truly savored being able to celebrate Christmas and New Year back home like years past. Met up with my truest friends (who were in town) over coffee, breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, or anything in between and shared so many stories that we have missed from each other. Spent time bonding with my sister and my cousins.

I somehow feel part of this world once again. But in reality, I am not. My current life now revolves in Sydney, and this is really just a break, a holiday from it all. Back to real life for me soonest. I’m not complaining though, cos my real life is also amazing. It’s just hard to reconcile that one cannot live two different realities at the same time.

See you next time Manila. ♥