Between home and home

A very strange feeling this is. I’ve been away from home for more than three weeks, and I mean from my current residence in Sydney. I’m coming home soon, but I’m also leaving home in the process, and I mean our family home in Manila where I grew up in and lived until less than two years ago. I am excited to get back to my place and start the rest of the year, but at the same time feel that little bit of sadness as I again leave my original home and not know when I’m coming back next.

This trip has been a great opportunity to reconnect with people who have played significant roles in my life, both in the past and at present. I also rekindled my entrepreneurial passion and will be revealing my new business venture soon. I truly savored being able to celebrate Christmas and New Year back home like years past. Met up with my truest friends (who were in town) over coffee, breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, or anything in between and shared so many stories that we have missed from each other. Spent time bonding with my sister and my cousins.

I somehow feel part of this world once again. But in reality, I am not. My current life now revolves in Sydney, and this is really just a break, a holiday from it all. Back to real life for me soonest. I’m not complaining though, cos my real life is also amazing. It’s just hard to reconcile that one cannot live two different realities at the same time.

See you next time Manila. ♥

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A tale of (two weddings in) two cities

It was my own (un)doing. Somehow I ended up attending two weddings in two far-away cities on the same weekend. I could’ve chosen one or the other, and it would’ve been alright.

“Did you really need to attend both?”, I’ve heard a few times said in different ways from different people. To be honest, I did not need to. I did not really want to do both 100%, but since I’ve gotten myself into the situation already, I decided to just go through with it just for the heck of it.

It began when a good friend of mine from college told me she was getting married, and was inviting me to her wedding. This is someone whose love life I have somehow tuned in to since college. I left the country a year ago and had no idea how her love life would turn out a year after. She finally found the love of her life, and she’s getting married. I truly wanted to show her I am happy for her and I support her. And since the flights were on sale that time, I bought plane tickets to come home to attend her wedding.

Two weeks after booking, I realised that I had a friends here in Sydney who were getting married the day after my friend’s wedding back home. A wedding in Manila on a Saturday and a wedding in Sydney on a Sunday. I really wanted to attend this wedding too, because since I have moved here, these are friends that have happily welcomed me with open arms into the group. This was my present and my future. And yet the one in Manila is also a big part of my past.

It was very tough to decide, to go to one or the other. Another consideration was the flights I have already booked, I couldn’t really cancel them because they were on promo. And I wanted the chance to go home too. But I had to decide, because I can’t really cut myself in two.

By some stroke of genius or stupidity, it dawned on my that Cebu Pacific flights from Manila to Sydney departed at midnight and arrived at noon. Both weddings were scheduled in the afternoon until the evening. If I took the flight, I could just make it in time for both. I just had an eight-hour flight in-between.


Side story. Since I decided to do the very short Manila trip, I also figured I could use the time to do some errands and see some people. One friend who has been very hard to track was a professional makeup artist. What a great chance to multitask. I was lucky that she was still free that time so I booked her to do my makeup for the wedding. Although my true intention is really to have a good chat with her after a long time. I also warned her ahead that I was planning to make my makeup last more than 24 hours. She said it could be possible with airbrush.

I did my own hair, thanks to my sister’s robotic curling iron (highly recommended!), and used my old fancy headband (which I have recently realised are actually fascinators). Turned out quite better than I expected.

It is honestly the first time, and maybe I’d also have it a last time, that I would ever do something like this. For all its worth, I documented how my makeup did through it all.

img_2354 fresh makeup at the first wedding in Manila

img_2368 on board my flight

img_2373 when I arrived home in Sydney, before retouching

img_2374 after retouch

img_2379 at the second wedding in Sydney

And yes, makeup and hair survived. I am actually quite surprised, especially with the hair. I reused almost everything, dress, shoes and bag and all.


Truly, it’s an epic story that I can recount to friends over and over again, and maybe even to my children and grandchildren in the future. I attended two weddings in two cities within less than 48 hours. If I have chosen one or the other, the story would’ve been just like any other. I am happy to be there for both my friends. And I also am fortunate to be able to do the things I was able to do during my short Manila trip and be able to see the people I saw. My heart overflows, I am recharged again.

On the downside, I really don’t think I’ll be doing anything even close to something like that ever again. That (mis)adventure revealed my limits. I’ve been a zombie and needed a week of catching up on sleep before I could really recover. That’s why it took me a week before I could write this.

I probably won’t be going home to Manila to attend weddings of my friends, unless they coincide with my other longer trips (e.g. Christmas holidays). I may need to reserve my energy for my best friends (two of whom are already married, hehe) or my closest family. I hope my other friends will understand.

Congratulations Ana and Robby!

14925733_10155312338844947_2944807511394824196_n 

Congratulations Nau and Dali!

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Bridget Jones and my raging hormones

bjdThe trailer for ‘Bridget Jones’ Baby’, the newest Bridget Jones movie was very much appealing to me and I’m meaning to watch it soon, but I honestly haven’t seen any of the previous movies yet. That was until two nights ago, when I chanced upon their first movie, ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ showing on TV. Watching it for the first time, I found it to be much of a delight.

I don’t know really. Is it because she’s single and on a challenging search for that elusive love, and it is something I can pretty much relate to? In the movie though, in the craziest way, in a wonderful chance, she found a wonderful gorgeous man who was willing to take a chance on her. Mr. Darcy.

Wait, he sounds familiar. Oh yes, Pride and Prejudice. A little googling told me that Bridget Jones book and movie are actually loosely based on Pride and Prejudice, especially on the BBC series starring Colin Firth. Oh yes, Mr. Darcy. I was also in love with the Mr. Darcy from the 2005 movie version of P&P.

Okay, back to Bridget. And her Mr. Darcy.

Oh, I don’t really know if it was such a good idea to watch the movie while I am hormonal, highly emotional, and all that shiz. Somehow it has uncovered and unearthed all that subconscious longing and that unfulfilled desire for the love of my life, who somehow hasn’t shown himself yet after all these years.

I’ve enjoyed watching Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy. Where do I find myself a real life man like that? So I was pining for my own Mr. Darcy during and after the movie. Then went to bed (alone).

Lo and behold, my dreams may have revealed to me my hidden desires. Wonderful vivid dream about a guy I was in love with from long ago. It was the sweetest dream I’ve ever had for the longest time. I wish it never ended.

Honestly, I don’t really think I want him back, whoever that specific person was in my dream. But how I long for that feeling again. Why has it always been so elusive?

I had to watch the second movie too, ‘Bridget Jones – Edge of Reason’, since it won’t be long until the third movie is available in the cinemas for me to watch. I watched it tonight, and again just fell for Mr. Darcy even harder. Perhaps I did not relate with Bridget in the second movie as much as the first, since I didn’t agree with her reasons for questioning her relationship with Darcy. But Darcy has just been such a delight.

Within the next hour I shall go to sleep, but now I am already wondering what dreams will come this time around.

Good riddance

I was pining for a boy for the past few months…

I was pining. Longing, waiting, hoping that this certain someone will cast upon me his attention.

It was a boy. I no longer dare call him a man, since most recent realisations revealed that he is nothing but a boy.

It went on for a few long months. Call it madness. But mostly a waste of time.

But most of all, this statement is now in the past tense. The madness has ended. I have been set free. Good riddance.

Perhaps it’s a certain weakness of mine. Sometimes I waste my precious time not seeing the futility of certain things. I have awaken from this stupidity by some profound revelation – a truth that I spite from the deepest of my soul.

I know what I want. At the same time, I know what I don’t want – my non-negotiables. I have decided to tolerate most things that I can for the sake of someone I desire or love, unless non-negotiables present.

If there is something that makes your gut twist with disgust, something that makes you fear for your safety or for your life, or something that you know will bring out the worst in you, then you know those things are non-negotiable. No amount of love or care or desire can compensate for any of that.

Aside from the fact that I now know that he does not like me in a way that I wish he did, I have realised how immature he views love and relationships. Though not really a non-negotiable, that in itself ended it. Add to that a non-negotiable that goes against my sense of morality.

The best thing about all of this is I have been set free, and my attention shall no longer be captivated by an undeserving boy. I have regained my entire energy to spend on someone who so deserves it.

What If…

Lately I’ve been wondering, what if I was never meant to find the love of my life in this lifetime? What if he does not exist, and I continue to drag my feet all my days still waiting for him to magically appear out of nowhere? 

What if my soulmate has passed on, murdered or died heroically, or died too young because of a disease, before I even got the chance to meet him? Perhaps we’ll see each other again in the next lifetime, but I am left to toil for the rest of this life alone and lonely. Is it time to start buying cats? But I hate cats. I should just get myself dogs, rabbits, and capybaras…

But seriously, it is a possibility. Same way that finding the love of my life is simply a possibility and is not certain. That’s why I enjoy imagining how my my funeral will be more than imagining how I want my wedding to be. At least I’m sure my death is certain, but love? I don’t really know. 

I should start working on my Plan B, since Plan A doesn’t seem to work at all. What can I do with this beautiful life if I end up living it all alone? I want to be completely rational and at peace with my Plan B. I don’t want to feel horrible and alone and defeated even if I never find the love of my life in this lifetime. 

Torpe is an excuse

Very lightly translated, “torpe” is a Filipino word that usually refers to a guy who is too shy to make the move to pursue a girl that he likes. Interestingly, the translation of the same word from Spanish means clumsy, slow or awkward (which perfectly describes the Filipino translation, actually).

I have lately realised that calling a guy torpe is just an excuse, especially for those beyond or way beyond their teenage years. If you think a guy is torpe, it probably means one of three things:

He’s undecided. Maybe he’s attracted to you, but he’s completely undecided about it. He may be exerting a little effort trying to test the waters. Maybe you’re one of his options. He may be flirting for days, weeks, months, years… or it can go on forever (seriously, I’m not kidding), but it does not give you the assurance that he will eventually pursue.

He has ego issues. He’s afraid of making a fool out of himself. He probably loves himself more than anything else. He does not want to put himself in a position where he can be rejected.

He’s just not that into you. He probably just likes you, but he doesn’t like you “like” you. Maybe he’s just one of the guys who’s sweet and nice to everyone. Or he’s one big flirt. There is a chance that this is just the “friendzone”. Remember: flirting = attention without the intention.

Bottom line, if a guy likes you enough, he’ll take the chance. A bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates, an invitation to go out for coffee or dinner, or even the simple effort of keeping in touch. Trust me, it’s worth sticking out for men who make an effort to let you know that you matter.

Ma-basted man, at least they tried, diba?

Flip

It’s strange when I think about it, how life plays crazy tricks on us. Like how destiny flips things the opposite way – how that one guy I’ve always wanted to be with for the longest time seems to always be doing the things I’ve never wanted to be involved in at any point in my life. It’s not even the things that don’t appeal to me, but he seems to have a knack for gravitating towards the things that I’d rather have no connections with.

It would’ve been easier to explain if I could enumerate the exact things he does which I can’t stand, but its probably better not to say anything to protect his identity. Not that I’m expecting him to find this blog anytime.

The last time I spent time with him some time back, I already realised the futility of it all. I must admit, there’s always be a part of me that will always be drawn to him. But finally I know and understand that the entirety of who he has become is something I will never be able to deal with. And so I’ve finally let the last remaining drops of my hope go.

Destiny has already spoken – we were never meant to be together anyway. 

However, I’m also realising that he is someone I would never ever forget. His is a story that has been written into my life for a long time, even if he seems more as interruptions or breaks rather than the main programming. He may still interrupt my thoughts like he does right now. I may attempt to check on him, but would most probably just remain passive and tell myself that it’s useless effort.