It’s quarter of an hour before 2am on the 24th of December, and I can’t sleep. I’ve been tossing and turning in my bed since 11pm, I’ve played most of the games in my iPhone, fiddled with the apps, and have downloaded no less than 10 new apps, and still I can’t bring myself to sleep. Ergo, I decided to bring out the laptop and type away what may be keeping me up late tonight.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I practically slept half of the day today. But then again, I do that every now and then, but still get to sleep around midnight. It’s most probably because of the struggle that has been going through in my brain tonight. The most difficult thing to get through is when you start pondering about the meaning of life, about the purpose of your own being, or about what you want the future to be. My state of mind now is a little like life after graduation – when you finish something grand and significant, but you don’t know where you go from there, and what you should aim for after that. What do I do now? What happens next?
It’s also difficult to be thinking like this a day before Christmas. Oh yeah, I really almost forgot about that, being too preoccupied with other things. Shamefully, I wasn’t able to bring myself to do real Christmas shopping for my family and closest friends this year (I hope they forgive me this time for that, and I will really try to make it up to them in the next few weeks).
A challenging situation – having too much time to think about everything. Sometimes I think too much, I analyze too much. I wrap my head around thoughts, concepts, and possibilities, too much that they start to drive me a little bit off the edge. I had two days off after a long arduous period at work, and suddenly it was a flood of free time for my brain to wreck itself and ponder the meaning of meaning. And sometimes, not finding the answers to the millions of questions in my head, I get a little depressed.
Moving forward, before I got my laptop out, I kind of figured out how to quiet my brain a little bit. The problem with thinking too much is that I get too preoccupied with the things that have already happened or the things that have yet or may happen in the future and I completely ignore the present. Why be so bothered with all the things that didn’t turn out well in the past? Why worry too much about things that will happen in the future? We cannot change the things in the past, and we can never be sure about the future. What I have right now is this very moment.
The family is complete and together this Christmas. Kuya is home, and we’ll be able to spend time with him before he moves away to his new home much farther than before. I have a short break from work. My mom and dad are healthy. I have a comfortable life. I have my own room, my own bed, a new phone, a car I can drive around, and everything I need. I have the most exciting job, and belong to a wonderful (and wacky) team.
With whatever I have, I am very much blessed. And now realizing that, after being preoccupied with the “little world” I was moving in these past few weeks, I realize and finally find myself connected with the rest of the real world around me. Indeed there is something bigger than me out there, something more significant than the worthless things I wreck my brain about. I belong to humanity once again (and now I wish I could find, in my own little way, how to reach out to those who are suffering, lacking, and lonely this Christmas time, and even everyday).
I wasn’t ready for Christmas just a few hours ago, but I think I am now.