Redemption

The matters of the heart may be one of the easiest to write about but oh-so-difficult to post. I don’t think I have divulged all the beautiful and nasty that goes through my heart, ever. It’s a battlefield. There are times that it is full of blood and gore, tears and sweat and all. Other times it is full of all the sweetest and most romantic things you could imagine. But why write about it for all to see? I don’t want to be misjudged by some people and misled by others. Nope, I haven’t lost my mind yet to reveal to you the state of my heart right now. Let’s just say, scars and bruises and all, it’s still beating. Perhaps that’s a good sign. It hasn’t given up yet.

But for some reason, it always feels like a moment of redemption every time I am able to find myself again, to reassure myself that I can survive on my own. It’s such a great feeling to be in control, to know that one’s happiness does not rely on the presence of another being in this world.

And I am so deathly afraid to have my heart shattered once again.

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.” – Grey’s Anatomy

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