Forever alone. It is a very interesting meme for me, and my sister teases me about it sometimes. I play along, maybe because it does apply to me somehow. I repeat to myself every now and then, “alone doesn’t mean lonely” but I should admit that it does get lonely sometimes.
I came across a certain song just a few days ago and instantly latched on to it, because it feels so much like the story of my life right now. I have been playing it on loop and singing along through a one hour lonely drive home on a Friday night.
Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong is all alone
Eyes wide open, always hoping for the sun
And she’ll sing her song to anyone that comes along
I am not the “never been kissed” girl. I’ve had three serious relationships in the past, as far back as when I was in high school. There were significant gaps in-between those relationships, maybe a year or two, so I had my fair share of being one half of a couple and being single. But I have been single for the last four years, for a lot of different reasons.
The last few years have truly been unsuccessful in terms of my romantic pursuit. Guys have come and gone – flirts, admirers, suitors, crushes, the entire spectrum you could think of. There were also guys I would’ve considered, though unfortunately they did not seriously consider me. Bottom line, I still have not found the person I have been praying for – the man I love the way he needs to be loved, and who loves me the way I need to be loved.
I have learned to just enjoy the scene for the meantime, while I pass time and wait for whatever I am waiting for. Specific details on my preferences and my “non-negotiable” requirements have been deliberately written way back in 2008. The list is not about how he looks, what he does, or where he comes from, but those three things would probably play a factor in defining their answers to the items in my list. What do they value? What do they believe in? What makes them happy? The answers to questions like these are what I value most.
The biggest search of my life is leaning on my faith, that someday God will send me the love of my life. But I do wrestle with my faith every now and then. What if there was no one meant for me? What if the love of my life missed a ride and was not there when I was supposed to find him? What if he somehow slipped and broke his neck and died? What if he had met and married the wrong woman? There’s a million different reasons I could think of. Honestly, there is that possibility that I will not find a man to spend the rest of my life with, a chance that I will grow old and die without finding the “undying love” from that significant someone.
With my faith and skepticism, I have developed a very ironic outlook with regards to my love life. I still believe that God will send me the love of my life, in His time. I would like to believe that He is preparing me to be a good partner and wife to whoever the love of my life would be. On the other hand I am psyching myself for the worse, and considering a future where I will be single and on my own for the rest of my life. I know it wouldn’t be so bad, because there are so many things to do to make life worthwhile.
It’s like praying for rain and eagerly awaiting it, bringing an umbrella, a raincoat, and my rubber boots. But if it does not rain, if the sun continue to shine in the sky and keep everything dry and warm, I will not resent or mope. Instead, I’ll just enjoy the warmth and glow of the sun even if I have to lug all my rain gear along.
I am still alone. A little bit lonely at times. It’s still so sunny, sometimes cloudy, but everything is dry. I continue to pray for rain. I’m keeping faith on a sunny day.