Ikaw na daw ang huli.
Huli pansamantala.
Ikaw ang nagsara ng nakaraang taon,
Ngunit hindi laan na manatili ka sa ngayon.

Ang mga ala-ala ko sayo’y isang pabaon. Marahil ay sasabakin ko pa rin ang taon’g ito na na mag-isa.
Hindi pa siguro panahon.
Kung kailan, hindi ko alam.
Kung sino, aabangan ko na lang siguro.

Kaya ko naman.
Kinaya ko naman ng sampung taon.
Ano ba naman ang isa pa?
Ayoko na muna.
Ayoko nang maghanap ng bubulabog sa buhay ko,

Hyde park sydney


50 First Dates – 2017 Edition

Okay, maybe it wasn’t 50, more of something between 20 to 30… I’ve lost count.

It was a big leap for me when I decided to go out and date again in 2017. And when I decided, I really went all out. The dating scene here in Oz was completely new to me and I haven’t really actively put myself out there in the past years. There was so much for me to learn and discover.

I don’t include speed dates in the count. Five minute dates do not really count. Nor does chatting. I’m talking about the good old “lets meet up for coffee or dinner and get to know each other” dates.

Maybe you’re asking where I find all these guys? Online. But not Tinder though. I have two online dating accounts, and I’ve found them as a good way to start.

Like someone. Say hello. Do a little small talk. If they seem decent, agree to meet up for coffee or brunch or something. Some plans push through, but some don’t. Some first dates turn into second dates, or maybe more.

The first guy I met for the year turned out to be one of the biggest learning experience for me. He was an amazing man, and at the start he also seemed keen. I thought we were a good match. Apparently he didn’t think so. Eventually things had to end and left me reeling from the rejection. I felt horrible. I absolutely dreaded rejection. I mourned a little bit (or maybe a lot). Then moved on.

I think the moving on is the most important part. I value the realisation that rejections will not kill you. So, every time something does not work out, I just get back out there and meet new people again.

Five. That’s the count of who I spent a little bit more time on. And a few more that went past the first date. Sometimes I wonder why I wasted my time on some of them.

Three. I can confidently say that three of them really made a big difference in my life. I wouldn’t trade the experience with them for anything, even if each of them left a little bit (or a lot) of heartache in the end.

Many times I’ve told myself, “this will be the last one for the year”, but I always eat my words. I wanted to stop way back in August and take a break from dating for the rest of the year and just let my heart rest, but I always ended up meeting someone new.

I am so thankful to good friends who have put up with me through the countless calls and messages, especially during times I was nursing a broken heart. I absolutely owe you a lot for calming me down during my anxious calls and crying fits. The words of advice are very valuable too. I really hope you don’t get tired of me.

The year 2017 is over. It’s year 2018 now. I’m shifting priorities this year. I’m still leaving myself open to possibilities, to meeting new people with the hope that I’ll eventually find the one I’m looking for (and who is looking for me). Perhaps I just don’t want to give it as much effort as I did in 2017. I’ll just let things happen.

I still wish though that maybe I’ll meet someone in real life, someone who does not come from an online app. Maybe this year?

A year of (emotional) empowerment

A year of empowerment. It took a while to realise that. I’ve always thought that the entire year was simply a year of heartaches and suffering because of all the things I had to go through as I tried to navigate the dating life in Sydney. I’m trying hard to find the love of my life. It’s been difficult and tiring navigating the battleground that is my heart while looking out to the world for possibilities. I’ve almost given up many times, but the universe just keeps me moving. And moving forward is what I kept on doing.

I guess I’m starting to realise that all the challenges I’ve faced this year was a way for me to rediscover and empower my self. I feel much better now. I guess I can do much better now. I can keep on moving and meeting new people, falling in and out of love, rejecting and being rejected, enjoying the sweet moments and forgetting the bad.

I can do all these. For the sake of finally finding that true love.

Let your heart run wild (poem)

Let your heart run wild
Allow it to love
The way it wants to love
Let it feel
What it feels
No right or wrong
No future, no past
Just the burn of the now

Let your heart run wild
Allow it to love
Who it wants to love
Let it desire
Who it desires
No possible or impossible
No expectations, no commitments
Just the fire for the one

Let your heart run wild
Allow it to love
When it wants to love
Don’t hinder or supress
Do not reason
Do not analyse
Do not assess
Just let your heart beat when it wants

A letter to my future husband (I haven’t found you yet…)

Dear future husband,

Maybe you’re wondering where in the world I am right now. Cos I am also thinking, where are you? I still don’t know where I will find you, or who you are from the billions of people in this world.

I’m in Sydney now, been here two years. And I’m still looking for you, hoping that maybe you are somewhere near or around. Maybe I’ve already passed you on the street or have been on the same train. Have I met you yet? Or will I be meeting you soon? I have no idea.

This year has been a challenging year so far, searching for you. I have mistakenly thought that the first guy I met this year was you. I was ready to give it my all, but alas it still was not you. I was sad and disappointed, and even a bit depressed when it did not work out. But I still kept on searching and kept on looking. I am still searching and looking. Rejection after rejection I soldier on. It’s absolutely tiring and somewhat heart-wrenching, cos I do give a little bit of myself everytime I try. I am almost ready to give up, but then I remember you. Against all odds, I have to find you.

Know that every time I meet someone new, every time I get to know someone, I can only hope that inch by inch it would bring me closer to you.

Looking forward to a beautiful life with you in the future.

List 33

I just had to do one for my annual birthday post, albeit belated.

33 things that have happened to me in the last 12 months (in no particular order)…

  1. Toured my grandmother around Sydney.
  2. Got an Apple Watch.
  3. Went back to visit the Philippines 3 times.
  4. Attended two weddings in two countries in the same weekend. In the same dress, shoes, and makeup.
  5. Had half of my thyroid removed.
  6. Discovered Tokyo.
  7. Watched Adele in concert.
  8. Watched Coldplay in concert.
  9. Watched Lea Salonga live at the Sydney Opera House.
  10. Started an online business.
  11. Traveled to a far-away place in Australia (Mount Gambier).
  12. Drove around Sydney (up to the western suburbs and hunter valley).
  13. Explored new places around NSW.
  14. Developed great friendships and found my social circle in Sydney.
  15. Realised that my good friends in other parts of the world are there for me anytime I need them.
  16. Met up with old friends visiting Sydney.
  17. Met up with friends and former colleagues while on vacation in the Philippines.
  18. Wine tasting, wine tasting, and more wine tasting…
  19. Learned the basics of contouring.
  20. Made pizza from scratch.
  21. Discovered new restaurants, cafes, and bars in Sydney.
  22. Went to dance classes.
  23. Gained weight.
  24. Lost weight.
  25. Bought a telescope.
  26. Donated blood.
  27. Got my work contract extended N-times.
  28. Dated more than ten guys (separately, of course).
  29. Dated guys of different nationalities (separately too).
  30. Dated someone for more than a month.
  31. Fell in love.
  32. Had my heart broken.
  33. Moved on.

Moving On

Nag move-on na ko. Seryoso. Approximately 5.33 km. In my two-inch heeled boots. In one hour and fifteen minutes. Di ko man napansin na tumakbo ang oras.

Seryoso, nilakad ko. Mahigit limang kilometro, mula opisina hanggang bahay. Bakit nga ba? Di ko rin talaga maipaliwanag. May tren naman, wala pang labin-limang minuto kung sasakay ako. Pero gusto kong maglakad. Ng malayo. Ng mag-isa.

Hindi naman masyadong malayo. Di naman ako napagod. Di rin ako pinawisan. Para lang naman mahigit dalawang ikot sa Acad Oval ng UP Diliman. Pero ansarap ng pakiramdam, yung alam mo na malaya kang gumalaw mag-isa, pumunta kung saan mo gustong pumunta.

Nung nagsimula akong maglakad, siya pa ang iniisip ko. Alam kong malapit sa kanila yung dadaanan ko. Alam ko din naman na hindi ko siya makikita. Ayoko siyang makita. Ayoko na siyang makita kahit kailan.

May iba din akong gustong daanan. Isang lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin ng masaya at simpleng buhay noong nasa kolehiyo pa. Tinawag ko na ngang “mini sunken garden”. Sarap sana tumigil at tumambay dito, kaso gusto ko na rin makauwi.

Habang naglalakad ako, may iba pa akong nakita. Basura lang sa sahig, pero parang may importanteng gustong sabihin sa akin…

Pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras na paglalakad, nagutom na rin ako. Naisip ko rin kung anong gusto kong kainin kaya bumili ako bago umabot sa bahay.

Nag move-on na ko. Hindi man kapani-paniwala, pakiramdam ko malayo din ang na move-on ng puso ko pagkatapos kong maglakad ng mahigit limang kilometro. Pagdating ko sa bahay, may iba na akong iniisip. 🙂


Nakikinig nga pala ako sa Spotify habang naglalakad. Ansaya pakinggan ng playlist na ito, lalo na kung gusto mo lang mag-emote. :p